I just received the news that my white cells have begun to replenish themselves, and I am now officially on the road to recovery. I have even begun to grow those creepy white hairs on my face that I spoke about in Monday’s blog. Soon enough I’ll be looking like the wolfman.
For a while there I was convinced that last Thursday’s blog, “Morning in America,” (http://www.baldmike.com/2006/11/morning-in-america.asp), in which I make reference to the sitting Vice President in a not so flattering way, had landed me in hot water with the Department of Homeland Security. I feared that as a result of my political statements I had been declared an “enemy combatant” under the terms of the innocuous sounding yet anti-American “Military Commissions Act” (you know, the one that stuck an arrow through the heart of our Constitution by suspending Habeas Corpus for “enemy combatants”, who, in the new law, are defined very loosely and haphazardly and can include U.S. citizens).
As a result of my earlier statement, I feared that I might wake up at Guantanamo, or even worse, stuck with the Cheney’s at their secret, undisclosed location being tortured by having to listen to readings of Lynne Cheney’s non-fiction books and novels (for excerpts from her classic novel of female frontier love, which the NY Times calls “Hilariously tortuous,” see: http://www.whitehouse.org/administration/sisters.asp). But I actually think the Emperor Cheney and his cronies at Homeland Security have instead been hacking into the computer system here at Penn and have been lowering my blood counts to extend my stay here, thereby driving me insane and keeping me from taking good care of Jacqui and Otis. I shared this theory last night with my doctor, and made sure he double encrypted the results from the lab. Sure enough, my counts have risen dramatically, and I should be out of here (that now being the psych ward) tomorrow.
So there you have it folks. Going home soon.