I just received the news that my white cells have begun to replenish themselves, and I am now officially on the road to recovery. I have even begun to grow those creepy white hairs on my face that I spoke about in Monday’s blog. Soon enough I’ll be looking like the wolfman.
For a while there I was convinced that last Thursday’s blog, “Morning in America,” (http://www.baldmike.com/2006/11/morning-in-america.asp), in which I make reference to the sitting Vice President in a not so flattering way, had landed me in hot water with the Department of Homeland Security. I feared that as a result of my political statements I had been declared an “enemy combatant” under the terms of the innocuous sounding yet anti-American “Military Commissions Act” (you know, the one that stuck an arrow through the heart of our Constitution by suspending Habeas Corpus for “enemy combatants”, who, in the new law, are defined very loosely and haphazardly and can include U.S. citizens).
As a result of my earlier statement, I feared that I might wake up at Guantanamo, or even worse, stuck with the Cheney’s at their secret, undisclosed location being tortured by having to listen to readings of Lynne Cheney’s non-fiction books and novels (for excerpts from her classic novel of female frontier love, which the NY Times calls “Hilariously tortuous,” see: http://www.whitehouse.org/administration/sisters.asp). But I actually think the Emperor Cheney and his cronies at Homeland Security have instead been hacking into the computer system here at Penn and have been lowering my blood counts to extend my stay here, thereby driving me insane and keeping me from taking good care of Jacqui and Otis. I shared this theory last night with my doctor, and made sure he double encrypted the results from the lab. Sure enough, my counts have risen dramatically, and I should be out of here (that now being the psych ward) tomorrow.
So there you have it folks. Going home soon.
3 thoughts on “Paging Dr. Cheney, Dr. Cheney You Have A Patient…”
Dear Michael,Please don’t fear…These symptoms of delusions of reference/granduer and paranoid ideation are very treatable with anti-psychotic medication. A few weeks at Bellevue for medication stabilization followed by several months in a group home should get you back on track. I am happy to provide referrals if needed.Dr. Patt (clinical psychologist)
i pulled a favor and asked a friend within cheney’s circle to halt this vendetta towards you, so that is really why you are getting out and your levels are rising. though it made me sick to do it,(mostly because i know you will hate that this was done without your knowledge)knowing people within his circle can help bring he and his party’s reach under control). but alas, no way were you to be kept from your beloved. however, you know that i just used the clout of others and under a fictitious name so as not to embarass myself and certainly not to mortify you. though this time i imagine you are not too too upset. i think i will skip signing this if i know what’s good for me. if you choose to, you may erase this within 10 seconds and 10 seconds only or it will stay published on your blog forever.
Great. And when you get home, be sure to listen to that classic duet of right-wing musical geniuses: Orrin Hatch and John Ashcroft. Who says old white men have no soul?Check it out:http://www.hatchmusic.com/or see the Heritage Foundation Patriotic Music collection:http://www.internetweekly.org/photo_cartoons/cartoon_hfmc_ashcroft.html
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